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Pigeon Poop Pollution Problemby Arthur WarnierPigeons have sometimes been called flying rats. Not a bad analogy. But they are worse than rats. Rats usually have the decency to avoid us. Not pigeons; they are all too often "in your face" -- literally. An annoying disease vector. Sitting alfresco on the 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica, California, some time back, I was again made aware of that. Fresh deposit of pigeon poop on the first table we considered. And the bus-boy was on the job, not slacking; he was spending half his time cleaning up poop and shooing pigeons away. After being seated, we ourselves spent half our time shooing away these flying rats from near, beneath, and over our table, and then watching them, on-edge, as they flew around, wondering if/when we were going to be dive-bombed. We could not relax, and cut our visit short. Because of all the "animal lover" pussy-wuss liberal sniveling crybabies out there, these pigeons are completely fearless. They have learned that nothing will be done to them.
It's time to take back our promenades, plazas, building roofs, lamp posts, and sidewalks, and make it safe for walking and alfresco drinking and dining. Get rid of the "f"ing pigeons. I propose a simple and fun solution which all those with some sense, unhindered by "political correctness", can support and participate in. In the olden days, park maintenance workers used to pick up litter with a nail on a stick, then stuff it in a trash bag they carried.
Why not allow us in the public to use that same implement? Each restaurant could have a supply of these implements -- very inexpensive to make -- and issue one to every diner requesting one. Diners could use them to impale flying vermin strutting on their tables or scuttling around under their feet. The diners would then signal the busboy who would take the entire assembly, stick, nail, and dead pigeon, and scrape the pigeon off into the nearest trash receptacle. After wiping off the pointy nail with a paper napkin, the implement would then be "reloaded", ready for the next extermination. Simple, fast, clean, neat, inexpensive. Fun. And -- whoop-de-do -- environmentally friendly.
As an incentive to encourage even more patron participation, restaurants could issue a chit for each pigeon thus eliminated by patrons. Five kill chits could be worth a complementary beverage, for example. Cities could even get in the act. Fifty kills would be worth a "get out of a parking ticket free" card, for example. One last word, I am starting a new organization: FPETA. I think you can figure out what the "F" stands for.
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